“9 to 5” and the 24/7 Cognitive Load: Why Moms and Caregivers Need EF Coaching Too
I am writing this blog entry almost a week after Dolly Parton‘s passing. This post is about the weight of household and parenting duties usually placed on moms and other primary caregivers, and I can’t stop thinking about Dolly’s song “9 to 5.” She has come to represent so much more, but truly captured me when she rhymed “kitchen” with “ambition”. The song and the movie have since been co-opted by labor unions, and her lyrics firmly cemented the term "9 to 5" as a noun in 1980. It makes me think specifically about the moms and caregivers who take on the brunt of child-rearing and end up completely overwhelmed not just from 9 to 5, but 24/7. Dolly’s legacy has been a recent hyperfocus for me and, practicing what I preach, I borrowed this focused energy as a launching pad. So, you will find Dolly’s lyrics from “9 to 5” sprinkled throughout this entry.
"Endless Devotion" with Very Little Structural Support
If parenting were a job in the “real” world, it would seem impossible. The role demands constant multitasking: meals, cleaning, laundry, doctor appointments, piano recitals, bedtimes, and Band-Aids. Parenting is hard when raising a “typical” child, but when you have a child with neurodivergent challenges like ADHD or ASD, the complexities multiply. You are suddenly navigating a complex system of therapists, psychiatrists, and IEPs. This, all while managing your child’s behavior at home including, but not exclusive to, impulsivity, inattention, hyperactivity, and emotional dysregulation.
"Pour Yourself a Cup" of Sustained Attention and Working Memory
Often, a child’s diagnosis exposes our own unique challenges for the first time. This was the case for my husband and me. When our son was diagnosed with ADHD, we saw ourselves reflected back. It explained why small chores and new endeavors, that seemed effortless to others, were often complex for us. Now I can see our challenges with Task Initiation, Sustained Attention, and Working Memory very clearly. In my experience, managing these responsibilities is even harder without the external structure of a traditional workplace. At a job, we are typically given a consistent schedule, dedicated time to complete tasks, plus feedback and support from other adults. At home we have to be the boss—not only of our kids and the household, but of our own Self-Monitoring and Time Management. When we look at a caregiver contending with all of these demands, especially a neurodivergent caregiver, we can see exactly how the chaos becomes overwhelming. This severe executive dysfunction can lead to freeze or shutdown, when the cognitive load becomes so heavy that we are physically unable to start anything. Over time, this chronic stress can manifest serious mental health conditions, such as depression, anxiety and burnout. Whether or not you identify with the ADHD/ND community, parenting is hard. As caregivers, we get swept up in a whirlwind of kid-related duties; everything from 8am playdates to procrastinated Science Fair projects. Amidst all of these draining tasks and emotions, we can completely lose ourselves.
"Jump in the Shower and the Blood Starts Pumpin'": Desperately Seeking Self-Monitoring and Structure
A client recently told me about a therapist who decided to stop using the "put on your own oxygen mask first" analogy because it felt played out and overused. Then, as a passenger on a real flight, that same therapist listened to the flight attendant deliver those exact instructions. "I could never do that!,” gasped the woman in the seat next to her. The metaphor still lived and breathed after all. This truth is foundational in the world of executive functioning. When we take care of children and a household, we aren't just spending time on a clock; we are consuming mental and emotional “oxygen”. This heavy cognitive load fills us past capacity, forcing us to set aside exercise, hobbies, social lives, or career ambitions. As a coach, the vast majority of my clients are overwhelmed moms and caregivers. We don’t think twice about hiring an EF coach for our kids to help them improve at school, keep their rooms clean, and set them up for future success. It is often left unsaid that we deserve that same support. As an executive function coach for adults, I specialize in supporting this overlooked population.
"They Let You Dream Just to Watch 'Em Shatter": Moving from Cognitive Overload to Actionable Systems
What do these coaching sessions look like? When we first meet, I want to hear about who you are, how you view yourself, and the long and short term changes you would like to work toward. During each session I will give you the room to vent and process your feelings. Then, we will address these struggles with actionable, step-by-step solutions.
We will look at your daily tasks, larger goals, and personal challenges:
Do you need better environmental organization and household systems so life runs more smoothly? Do you have DOOM (Didn’t Organize, Only Moved) Piles, abandoned projects or messy spaces that make you feel guilty and ashamed?
Would you like to optimize your time management so you can finally attend a yoga class, re-enter the workforce, or just breathe?
Is boundary setting and hypervigilance an issue? We can work together to help you delegate tasks, build a mindset toolbox, and confidently take up space for yourself.
Sometimes we utilize body-doubling to help you push through task resistance and get things done. Other times we use a brain dump exercise to clear the mental clutter out of your head and onto paper.
Maybe we discover that you need to see your schedule mapped out on a large wall calendar to aid your visual planning, rather than relying on the tiny screen of a phone.
We might sit down and use a "Get Ready / Do / Done" template to visually break down a specific project.
Do you find it difficult to get started? We can use a menu of creative motivational tools to help with task initiation. (See example in the picture below). Often we experiment with using timers while completing certain tasks in-session, as many of us contend with time-blindness.
Those spinning plates can be turned into personalized systems that align with how your brain actually works. Most importantly, we will shift your schedule from being strictly "kid-centric" to one that actively includes you.
"You're in the Same Boat with a Lotta Your Friends": Metacognition, Compassion, and Systems That "Come Alive"
Through my own ever-changing journey of executive dysfunction, I’ve learned some key strategies. Like all of us, I am a work in progress. Now, I love helping people streamline tasks and build household systems that make everyday life easier. Dolly’s song talks about "the man" putting money in his pocket while we "sacrifice" ourselves. My work as an EF Coach is centered on making sure your daily life doesn't feel like a constant sacrifice. All of that "service and devotion" Dolly sings about can be channeled out of chaos and into achievable goals. The "cup of ambition" doesn’t have to just be a cup of coffee (though, like the airplane oxygen mask, it's a metaphor that rings true for me). Sometimes, you just need someone to show up for you, meet you exactly where you are without judgment, and help you put the moving pieces into place with a dose of compassion and a good sense of humor.
If you are ready to transition the cognitive overwhelm into actionable steps that work with your unique brain, please reach out. I’ll have a cup of coffee, or your “cup of ambition” of choice, waiting for you.
Your teammate,
Jenny Jo Smilovitz
Check out my bio here
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