Gentle EF Support for People You Love & Live With

Using Declarative Language to Foster Autonomy, Awareness, and Healthy Boundaries

The other night, my partner did something small that turned out to be powerful.

I was stuck in limbo: still in work clothes, scrolling on my phone, slowly collapsing into the couch cushions but not truly relaxed. He noticed and said:

“I wonder what it would look like for you to be in full relaxation mode.”

That one statement unlocked everything.

Why That Statement Worked

Executive function (EF) challenges often show up during transitions, those in-between moments when you know you want to shift gears but can’t quite start.

My partner knows -- and lovingly accepts -- that my ADHD means I struggle with time blindness and getting stuck, especially at home in the evenings when ADHD meds have worn off and mental resources are depleted. My home environment can sometimes be overstimulating, providing cues to do SO many potential things that I often end up doing “nothing” for long stretches of time, unless I use my EF strategies and get my brain to enter the Task Positive Network. 

My partner saw I was stuck. But instead of taking over or telling me what to do, he made a declarative statement that:

• Sparked mental rehearsal (I pictured myself relaxing fully)

• Helped me visualize the end goal

• Invited me to generate my own plan

• Respected that it was my job to carry out the next steps

This type of support aligns with the framework from Declarative Language Handbook by Linda K. Murphy, which emphasizes replacing directives with reflective statements. (I first learned about this framework at a workshop with executive functioning guru Sarah Ward). Declarative language creates opportunities for competence and autonomy, while also helping supporters hold healthy boundaries.

My Relaxation Plan

When I imagined “full relaxation mode,” I painted a picture in my mind, and said it out loud:

• 👚 Comfortable clothes

• 🚿 Sunscreen washed off my face

• 🚰💊 A big glass of water with my evening medicine

• 🫁 A few minutes of deep breathing

I told him, “I bet I can get there in 15 minutes!”

Using a fine-point dry erase marker, I drew lines to mark the estimated start & end times of my plan on a little clock, and got moving, in a sequence that made sense:

1. Hydration & medicine first, to kick-start my body’s reset

2. Deep breathing (longer exhalation than inhalation!) while the shower warmed up

3. Shower & wash face before changing into soft clothes

4. At the end, I get to sit on the couch in PJs, guilt free!

My plan was to go from Lit to Lax in 15 minutes - would you be up for the challenge?

I kept my clock with me as I moved from room to room, monitoring time as I went through the steps. Yes, I got distracted, but I kept returning to the plan. It ended up taking 25 minutes, about 10 minutes more than my estimate. (After reflecting, I think it’s because my less-relaxed self wanted to make it a race, but as I started to relax I actually enjoyed slowing down.) By the end, I had transported myself from a state of activation to slower breathing, slower thoughts, and a calm feeling in my body. 

I succeeded because I used my EF strategies to envision my goal, estimate time, sequence my plan, and initiate. And it all started because of a gentle, autonomy-respecting prompt from my partner.

The Power of Declarative Language

Here’s what makes declarative statements so different from directives:

Directives (less effective)

❌ “You should go take a shower.”

❌ “Change into your PJs.”

❌ “Shouldn’t you stop scrolling and get ready for bed?”

Declaratives (observational)

✅ “I notice you’re still in work clothes. It looks like you might not be fully comfortable yet.”

✅ “I imagine hydration could help you reset.”

✅ “It seems like you’re in between work and rest. I wonder what might help you shift.”

The difference matters: when you use declarative language, you’re not doing the executive function work for the other person. You’re naming what you notice, offering a perspective, and then leaving space for them to decide and act. That protects your energy and preserves their independence.

For Parents Too!

This shift isn’t just helpful in adult relationships. It can also transform the way parents support their preteens and teens, who crave independence and often resist being told what to do.

Directives often lead to power struggles, and they also put parents in the role of carrying the EF work. Declarative statements let kids & teens practice problem-solving without parents over-functioning for them. If the process is like a “connect-the-dot” picture, declarative statements point to the next dot, or draw just the next connection to kick-start thinking, then let the person figure out the rest.

How can you help someone who's stuck by connecting just one dot?

Instead of saying…

❌ “Go start your homework.”

❌ “Put your phone down.”

❌ “Get ready for bed.”

Try…

✅ “I notice you’re done with dinner. It looks like homework might be next.”

✅ “It seems like you’ve been on your phone for a while. I wonder what else is on your list before bed.”

✅ “I can picture you feeling more relaxed once your room is settled. I imagine you have a vision of what that looks like.”

✅ “I remember we put an evening routine plan on the wall in the kitchen.”

This way, parents still provide scaffolding, but the responsibility to initiate and follow through stays where it belongs: with the child or teen.

A Framework You Can Use

1. Notice & describe → “I see / I notice / It looks like…”

2. Wonder aloud → “I wonder / I’m curious…”

3. Picture possibilities → “I imagine… / I can picture…”

4. Step back → Let them respond and plan.

10 Quick Declarative Prompts

Try these with a partner, child, or teen who is stuck and needs a nudge:

• “I notice you’ve been sitting for a while. It seems like your body might need a reset.”

• “It seems like bedtime is getting closer. I imagine winding down could feel good soon.”

• “I imagine hydration or a snack could help right now.”

• “It looks like you’re in between things. I wonder what your next step could be.”

• “I wonder what would help you feel finished with this task.”

• “I notice you’ve already gotten started. I wonder what you’ll do next.”

• “It looks like you’ve been working hard. I imagine a break might feel good.”

Declarative Language & Healthy Boundaries

One of the hidden gifts of declarative language is that it protects both people’s roles.

When we slip into micromanaging or giving constant directives, we often end up doing the executive function work for the other person: envisioning, sequencing, initiating. Over time, this can build resentment for the supporter and erode independence for the person receiving support. Declarative statements shift that dynamic:

• They signal awareness and empathy (“I notice you’re in between things”).

• They open space for the other person to think, decide, and act.

• They keep responsibility in the right place. The EF “heavy lifting” stays with the person who needs to practice it.

This isn’t just “not micromanaging.” It’s about respecting boundaries while offering genuine support. It says: “I see you, I care, I’m here alongside you, but the next move is yours.”

✨ Bottom line: Gentle EF support isn’t about micromanaging, rescuing, or doing someone else’s job. It’s about respecting autonomy and allowing the other person to practice taking care of themselves. Sometimes a simple declarative statement – like “I wonder what it would look like for you to be in full relaxation mode” – is enough to open the door without walking through it for them.

This post was created in collaboration with AI. Ask me if you want to see how!